What if?

I used to waste a lot of time and energy on being who someone else wanted me to be. Doing what other people expected of me. I spent my entire 20’s just going through the motions. I love my life, and I’m so grateful for where I’m at, but my perspective is drastically different now. I lost someone so important to me. Someone I loved more than I can even explain. It felt like one day she was cooking my favourite dinner and I was making her laugh and the next she was gone. Loss really changes you, to your core. Losing my grams showed me how precious and fragile life truly is. It’s one of those things people always say, and you always kinda know it’s true, but until you face it head on you don’t understand it.

My friends poke fun at me a lot for the way I manoeuvre through life and relationships these days. I throw caution to the wind. I allow myself to get lost in butterflies. I feel it all, good and bad, all the way through. I listen to the songs, and read the stories. So hopefully romantic I am.

I hate the title hopeless romantic .There is nothing hopeless about romanticizing your life. About wanting to see the silver linings, and seeing people in their golden glow.

Until I started dating I never realize how few people move the way I do emotionally. So many of y’all are jaded and closed off. Keeping people at a distance you deem safe. I understand it, but I just don’t see the point in living and loving half way anymore.

Opening yourself up to the possibility of happiness is scary. If you’re happy you have something to lose. And we hate losing, don’t we? We hate the idea that someone could have the power to destroy our little hearts. We hate that we may not be in the drivers seat if we let someone in.

I’ve learnt to embrace that fear. I’m not afraid of being heartbroken, or losing someone. It’s inevitable. It’s impending. I chose to live right now. Feel right now. Be right here. Leave it all on the table. I’m not sure if that’s brave or stupid, or both… but I would rather have had something wonderful and have lost it than to have never had anything at all.

So listen…

What if you go on that date? What if you make your move? Pick up that guitar and write that love song? Reach for their hand? Let them know you miss them? Tell them you are falling for them? Kiss them goodnight, & then good morning? Let every fiber of your being feel like it’s on fire for them? Let it be a big and loud kinda love?

What’s the worst that could happen?

What’s the best that could happen?

I’m not saying live everyday like it’s your last. I’m not saying never be weary and never protect yourself. I am however saying lean into who and what feels good. Lean into possibility. Take risks more often than not. Be present and open to what could be out there for you.

I’m also not delusional.

I know that not every situation will be a happily ever after. Not everyone who comes into your life is going to stay. That relationships take work and effort and time.

I am hopeful.

Hopeful that one of these days someone will be just as crazy as I am. Feel just as deeply as I do. And work at it just as hard as I will. I’ll be worth the risk to them.

& I’ll never know unless I’m willing to try.