Single and not looking.

When I was younger I totally romanticized my future. A man would come sweep me off my feet. He would be enamoured by me and we would be each other’s whole world. We would get married, have babies and live happily ever after. He would bring me flowers once a week and leave love notes on my pillow before work. We would miss each other the moment one of us left. In retrospect, as a grown ass woman, this sounds a bit toxic but I digress.

I reconnected with a boy from my home town after high school at the ripe age of 18. He said all the right things and I fell hard and fast. I moved in with him shortly after and we stayed together all through our twenties. It was just like I had imagined all those years ago while reading my books. We built a life together and got married and had babies.

Time and babies and life pulls you away from your partner, you have to be diligent about putting in the effort to maintain the relationship. What no one ever talks about in these happily ever after stories, is that people change. Constantly change. And you need to keep up with your partner while they grow and change. You need to continue getting to know them every single day. My husband and I didn’t do that, and year after year, we grew apart instead of together.

So now here I was, 30 years old. Single. Alone. I had completely lost faith in love. I thought if my Prince Charming couldn’t stay in love with me then who could? I had failed within my marriage and I felt like the least loveable human on the planet. I think that was the most difficult part of my marriage ending, feeling like a total failure. It was heartbreaking and devastating to come to terms with.

I suddenly had free time as a single mom. This was kind of uncomfortable at first. I have three kids, so nearly my entire existence was dedicated to keeping them fed and alive. Now I had days at a time of riding solo. I started doing little projects I had always wanted to. I worked, and rested and socialized. I did things that filled my cup all the way up. I found new friendships and tried new things. I really put my whole foot forward. One thing wasn’t really working out for me though, and that is dating.

The last time I dated, I was a kid in high school. And now, suddenly single at 30, I was embarking into the world of online dating. I cannot highlight truly how much I hate online dating.

It’s like like continuously being at the bar at last call. Everyone is just looking to grab someone for the night. So many profiles said “no strings attached”. I thought this was laughable. Like honey, I am a divorcée in my early thirties with three children, two dogs and a handful of cats. There are so many strings on my end. I had some really pleasant dates and such utterly terrible ones. I only got nervously drunk at dinner on a first date, and then he took me to a movie. A late show, drunk, at 30… what a bad idea. I had acid reflux, I had to pee 12 times and then at one point I’m pretty sure I was asleep. Yes, you can laugh. (I’m laughing right along with you) Safe to say, my online dating was short lived and I deleted all the profiles.

I decided that it was about time I dated myself. Thought about what I liked and did not like. What I could and couldn’t live with. I got comfortable going places alone and doing things by myself. I stayed up late watching movies, and braved cooking new dishes, alone. I don’t mean to brag, but I am a total catch. I was so surprised at what good company I was. I still got lonely. I still sometimes wanted to fall in love again. But maybe this just wasn’t my time for that.

Maybe this season of my life is meant to be a bit more lonely. Maybe I need to lean into my self for now and heal. So often I think we jump from one thing to another, one relationship to another … we rarely sit in the loss of one before starting another. Grieving the loss of This time has been such a gift and I’m so looking forward to how everything shakes out for me in the future.

We are all on such different romantic journeys. Some of us found love young and keep it for life. Some of us find it late. Some just prefer to stay alone. Some of us have it and then lose it. Society tells us to find our person, to search for love always. There is an entire genre of tv dedicated to people trying to find a partner. I want to normalize being single. Even more so, being single and not searching desperately for someone to make me un-single.

When I am finally am ready to open my heart up, I will know exactly who I am, I will be healed and ready. There are seasons of love, and this season, I’m okay with it just being me, myself, and I.