All You Had To Do Was Stay, But Okay.

I have felt kind of like a novelty my whole life. Fun for a while, but disposable. Ugh, disposable. I hate that thought. But it’s there, imprinted in my brain. I never really sat with why that was until this year. I hadn’t ever really allowed myself to feel the what and why of it all. Parents, friends, family, partners… they have left, often without explanation. How easy is it to have a whoa is me attitude in these instances? SO easy. Poor me! Why me? Maybe the leaving wasn’t always something happening to me, and maybe it was happening for me.

Now that’s not an idea that I just fell into. We’re talking years of therapy and healing to realize that most things are beyond my control. That acceptance is such a crucial part of moving forward.

I remember the first time I realized my Stepdad wasn’t my *dad*, and I remember the first time I realized my biological father left and never looked back. I can’t explain it, but I felt this insanely deep pit in my stomach. I laid in bed many nights asking myself out loud “why?”

Ive always had this beautiful talent of romanticizing the darkness in my life. My brain had a way of attaching itself to my heart. I could rationalize the leaving. Maybe there was more to the story. Maybe the bigger picture would make more sense. Maybe he was looking for me right now.

None of that was even remotely true, but it was a hell of a lot easier than facing the fact that my father was selfish and did not want me.  That reality was unbearable.

I had issues keeping friends. I think a lot of kids who move around a lot do. But I found some good ones as I popped in and out of schools. Even though I was mostly leaving them, it always felt like I was the one at a loss. It always kind of felt like as soon as I found a place in a group I fit, I was a temporary place holder. And without fail, time after time I was replaced. I was always scared of not doing enough, or doing too much. Oversharing, under-sharing. Trying too hard and not hard enough. There was no safe spot. I knew that it was temporary. That’s the most difficult part of trauma centred around abandonment,  I have found. Being so desperately aware of your own expiry date within relationships.

I had some really wonderful moments in friendship though, and I’ve always found my way back to the ones I needed to get back to. The more I healed, and grew, the more my friendships thrived. I’m learning to stop putting the pressure of reassurance on the people in my life. Being terrified of being alone isn’t easy to be around. If we were close once, and I constantly asked if you were mad, or if there was something I had done… this is why. If I checked in a little too often, this is why. If I bombarded you with attention and love, this is why. I tried to be the person I needed, in every relationship. Problem with that is, not everyone else needed that person. I hadn’t yet learned to be my own best friend. To hold my own hand through the tough stuff. To know I was enough, as is, for people to stay.

Relationships really weren’t that tricky for me, given that I met my ex husband at 18. We kind of of just fell into each other, hard. If I’m being completely honest, we probably knew really early on it wasn’t going to be a forever thing. We loved each-other, hell we still do. But storybooks and love songs don’t tell you love isn’t one dimensional. Love is layered, and there are different types of it and it looks differently each time you feel it. I think that’s confusing with your first love. If it’s not fitting your daydream mold, it feels disappointing. Instead of realizing what we had, which was a beautiful and deep and meaningful love… we punished each other for not being what we expected. After a marriage, three babies, and 10 years he left too.

I have spent every single day since then trying to mend all the scattered tiny pieces of me that I’ve been makeshift gluing together since I was that little girl who was left behind without explanation. I did it. I proved to myself that even if no-one else EVER stayed, I was okay.  I learnt how to love healthily and without conditions and fears. I have grown to enjoy the unknown. I have taken time to conquer the loneliness. I am not the reason people leave. That’s not on me. I most definitely can be part of the reason they stick around, though.